POPE FRANCIS "ALL PEOPLE ARE HUMAN IN THE EYES OF GOD"

POPE FRANCIS "ALL PEOPLE ARE HUMAN IN THE EYES OF GOD"

Widely known as the leader who brought the Catholic church into the 19th Century, Pope Francis declared in a speech this week that "All people are human in the eyes of the lord."

The statement made headlines, causing many non-Catholics to nod their heads apathetically, while dividing believers down the middle. Some felt the declaration seemed obvious and were glad to hear it. Others were more critical.

F.B.I. UNSURE WHO THEY SHOULD REPORT TO

F.B.I. UNSURE WHO THEY SHOULD REPORT TO

An anonymous source from the Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a public statement announcing that nearly every level of the agency is in a state of confusion as to who they should be reporting to at this point.

"It's weird when you come to work and are asking, 'who's my actual boss,'" said the source. "We've always been in charge of our own initiatives, but who's in charge of us?"

DAVID LYNCH TAPPED TO DIRECT MOVIE ABOUT 2016

DAVID LYNCH TAPPED TO DIRECT MOVIE ABOUT 2016

News spread this week that famed surrealist filmmaker David Lynch has been in talks to direct a film about the many monumental events that comprised the year of our lord 2016.

The Weinstein Company bought the rights to the year 2016 in June of that year with plans to simply and aptly name the film 2016.

Executive Harvey Weinstein stated, "As the year heated up and it became apparent that this would be a year unlike any other, we felt an obligation—actually a responsibility to immortalize those events and milestones through cinema."

SPICER MIXES UP "FREEDOM" AND "FUCK YOURSELF"

SPICER MIXES UP "FREEDOM" AND "FUCK YOURSELF"

In a stirring press conference yesterday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer made another in a long series of mispronunciations while addressing a reporter's question regarding military spending.

"Look, the President feels that building up, making a stronger military is, you know, it's important for defending our fuck yourself." He quickly caught himself, recovering, "Freedom, I mean. Freedom. Our national freedom," Spicer said.

WHITE HOUSE BURNS OVAL OFFICE'S AMAZON ECHO

WHITE HOUSE BURNS OVAL OFFICE'S AMAZON ECHO

In light of Amazon Echo recordings being used as evidence in a murder case, the White House responded by burning their own Amazon Echo in an incinerator.

The White House Echo was provided be Jeff Bezos personally on a visit to Trump tower. "It was a gift to the President that I thought would be particularly useful, given its easy-to-use NPR news update function," remarked Bezos.

ISIS CLAIMS DEAD RABBIT ON UNITED AIRLINES

ISIS CLAIMS DEAD RABBIT ON UNITED AIRLINES

Yesterday, United Airlines suffered another blow to their brand when a three foot, apparently healthy rabbit died on a transcontinental flight.

Simon the rabbit's corpse was found at Chicago O'Hare—the same airport where David Dao was dragged off his United flight. Annette Edwards, Simon's breeder said, "I haven't got a clue who's to blame, but it's certainly very weird when Simon was so healthy."

HISTORIAN SAYS WORLD WAR III MAY OR MAY NOT BE IMMINENT

HISTORIAN SAYS WORLD WAR III MAY OR MAY NOT BE IMMINENT

Historian Peter Malloy was vocal at his Friday book signing and reading: "Most people didn't think WWII was going to happen either. Or WWI."

On his book tour for his most recent historical chronicle, "Why Things May or May Not Happen: A Partial History of the World," Malloy has been outwardly shrugging off hyped claims that the United States and Russia are on the brink of WWIII.

WHITE HOUSE TAPS MENCIA TO HEAD MINISTRY OF HUMOR

WHITE HOUSE TAPS MENCIA TO HEAD MINISTRY OF HUMOR

In a shocking move, The White House recently approached disgraced comedian Carlos Mencia for a role in the U.S. government. The proposed role would be final arbiter over what can be nationally considered funny.

The move came as a surprise on many fronts, among them being Mencia's disgraced position in the comedy world, his Latin American heritage, and the institution of this position in the first place.

WORLD'S OLDEST PERSON DIES JUST IN TIME

WORLD'S OLDEST PERSON DIES JUST IN TIME

At 117 years old, Emma Morano, the world's oldest person passed away on Sunday, April 16th. And reportedly, she felt it was the perfect time to exit.

"I could maybe have another fifteen years left," said the Italian record-holder just before her passing, "but this seems to be a good time to leave this earth."

T.S.A. AGENT CELEBRATING JOB SECURITY

T.S.A. AGENT CELEBRATING JOB SECURITY

"I couldn't be happier," said Mark Ratler. "I'm probably in a job for at least the next four years."

Ratler, a veteran T.S.A. Agent at the Tampa International Airport for over 20 years, spoke out publicly to the press while "randomly" frisking a Sikh in the airport security line at 6:30am on Friday. 

"Look, I may not be highly trained, but I got decades of experience and a gut you can trust. I know a terrorist when I see one," continued Ratler, while running his hands along the inseam of the uncomfortable Sikh's $300 dollar jeans. "I get a hunch here and there. I'm glad the country is putting trust in the right kinda people..."

STARTING SENTENCES WITH "THESE ARE COMPLEX TIMES" UP 6,038%

STARTING SENTENCES WITH "THESE ARE COMPLEX TIMES" UP 6,038%

A recent study shows that the phrase "These are complex times," and other derivatives such as "These are complicated times," have increased in usage by over 6,000% in the last month alone. 

The study combed available media, from news reports, to recorded public speaking engagements, and journalism. "These are complex times," and other phrases like it have seen increased usage over the past year, as the United States political sphere has heated up significantly.

FORMER CIA ANALYST: "THANK GOD RUSSIA'S OKAY NOW"

FORMER CIA ANALYST: "THANK GOD RUSSIA'S OKAY NOW"

"I spent most of my career fighting the Cold War, and I could've never seen this coming," said Walt Massey, a retired CIA Analyst. "For all the money in the world I never could've been persuaded that we'd be on stable terms with Russia in my lifetime."

Massey, who still lives in Virginia when he's not traveling the world, apologizing to its other lesser citizens, retired in the early 2000s. Over the past few months, he's observed the rise of the Trump administration and subsequent pivoting of the Republican cabinet in favor of Vladimir Putin's Russia.

"Really, my life's work has been validated. We've finally reached a point of mutual appreciation instead of mutually assured destruction. Cheers to that," he said, lifting his class at his favorite local watering hole... 

WHITE WOMAN SAYS, "I'M NOT RACIST, BUT..."

WHITE WOMAN SAYS, "I'M NOT RACIST, BUT..."

"Listen, I'm no bigot. I'm just tired of not being heard because I'm white," said 24 year old advertising assistant Kelsey Brumfield. "I don't think its fair that my stuff isn't acknowledged as much as somebody else because of my race, or whatever. I'm all for equality, but it's tough for me too."

Her statements were a response to recent claims against her employer, Boulder&Rice Ad Agency, for not staffing enough people of color or integrating diverse perspectives.

DEBATE FORCES LEFT AND RIGHT TO AGREE THEY THINK THE OTHER SIDE IS STUPID

DEBATE FORCES LEFT AND RIGHT TO AGREE THEY THINK THE OTHER SIDE IS STUPID

At a debate held at Stanford University on Friday night, two prominent liberal and conservative pundits squared off on the major cultural issues impacting the United States, when a rare moment of agreement was met.

Jay Vulmer, a student, stood to ask a joint question as the tensions rose: "I mean, it really seems like neither of you are listening to the other one, right? I mean, really listening."

Both pundits stood baffled at first, then agreed that neither really cared what the other actually had to say, noting they each thought the other was stupid and single-minded. It was a moment of complete awe among the crowd of students and faculty.

DR. BEN CARSON, "WHERE DID ALL THE INDIANS GO?"

DR. BEN CARSON, "WHERE DID ALL THE INDIANS GO?"

On the heels of his controversial claim that African slaves were "immigrants," Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson posed an odd question at a planning convention last week: "Where did all the Indians go?"

The statement referred to indigenous Native Americans that inhabited the American territory, prior to the foundation of the United States...

"REAL THREAT" WARNS THE FIRST TEACHER TO SHOOT A BEAR IN OVER 100 YEARS

"REAL THREAT" WARNS THE FIRST TEACHER TO SHOOT A BEAR IN OVER 100 YEARS

Jim Nelson didn't expect to shoot a grizzly bear in the middle of third period on Thursday afternoon. "I always knew it was a risk. There's been a lot of attention on that issue lately, and rightly so. I just never thought it'd happen to me," he said, a bit shaken by the entire experience. 

While teaching English to his small Junior class at Timberlake High School in Bayview Idaho, he heard a heavy rumble at the closed classroom door. "It sounded like some kind of monster or something. Like right out of a movie," said one student.

Well trained for these innevitable emergencies, Nelson sent his class to the other end of the room, brandished his rifle, and the moment the great beast entered, he pulled the trigger.

LOST AMERICAN "MIDDLE" SPOTTED ON VACATION

LOST AMERICAN "MIDDLE" SPOTTED ON VACATION

Yesterday sources reported that the American Middle was spotted vacationing in Barbados. "I was out on the beach, just enjoying the sun," said an American tourist, "when it caught my eye and I didn't have a doubt in my mind what I was seeing."

What they saw was the Middle, bodyboarding in the calm tide off Bathsheba Beach, seemingly keeping to itself and displaying every sign of relaxation.

IOWA MAN GIVES UP ON UNDERSTANDING THE MIDDLE EAST

IOWA MAN GIVES UP ON UNDERSTANDING THE MIDDLE EAST

Iowa City accountant Frank Nealy announced today that he's given up on understanding the centuries old conflicts in the Middle East. "It's just too confusing," Nealy told reporters in a packed press conference this morning.

"This clan hates that clan. Some king's been in power too long. Blah blah blah. I mean, my god! You need a PhD in history to keep it all straight. It's impossible from over here."

TRUMP IS CALM, SO EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW

TRUMP IS CALM, SO EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW

The time has come for those Americans who felt the world was ending to breathe a sigh of relief. Last night President Trump addressed congress and the nation. He did so with an atypically calm and soothing demeanor that shocked viewers and lead the nation to finally rest easy...

NATION AWAITS PRESIDENT STREEP'S OSCAR STATEMENT

NATION AWAITS PRESIDENT STREEP'S OSCAR STATEMENT

As the 2017 Academy Awards near, an eager nation anticipates tuning in to see the glitz, glamour, celebration of art, and the inevitable statement from the country's great and fearless leader, President Meryl Streep.

The United States was taken by storm following this year's Golden Globes when President Streep gave a searing speech, attacking her fellow members of government and rallying the nation's people to fight against oppression and political bullying...